11/4/26 | By: James (Jay) Bachmann LPC ABFT-II
Mealtime is a ritual most families share, where they come together, talk about the day, share their ups and downs, and take a moment to decompress from the hectic world around them. It is often one of the few times throughout the day when everyone is together in one space and sharing in an activity. Family mealtime is often emphasized as one of the most important parts of the day, with help books identifying it as essential in forming healthy, stable connections.
When eating disorders are present, mealtimes can become one of the tensest parts of the day. When a family member is struggling with an eating disorder, mealtime can be a stressful event, sparking arguments, frustration, grief, and sadness as family members witness the struggle. People often feel lost, angry, sad, and defeated, creating a cycle of conflict, avoidance, and isolation.
When mealtimes are a struggle, conflict can spread to other parts of the family ritual, leading to strong feelings of disconnect and bitterness. So, where do people go from there? Here is a brief discussion on perception and steps people can take to rebuild connection and safety around food and within the family.
1. Take a step back and breathe
Eating Disorders Are Complicated
First off, eating disorders are complicated! It is okay to feel confused and not have all the answers. An eating disorder is not simply just a matter of refusing to eat or choosing unhealthy behaviors. There is a lot more going on. Eating disorders are more than just a struggle with food, but are a combination of biological and emotional reactions that are really hard to work through. Whether the person is aware of it or not, eating disorders often serve a purpose in shielding themself from trauma, negative feelings, or reinstating a sense of control in their lives. With them being so complicated, it is really important to take a step back and build empathy for the family member or yourself who is struggling with the eating disorder.
Give Yourself Room for Your Own Emotions
Eating disorders impact the entire family. Even if you are not directly struggling with the eating disorder, it is still impacting you. The anxiety around meal times and fear of doing or saying the wrong thing is draining. It often feels like you are walking on eggshells because you do not want to be blamed for adding to the stress. It is okay to feel frustrated with yourself or the family member because nobody likes feeling scared for a loved one!
I cannot emphasize this enough; You can love someone deeply and still feel frustrated with what the eating disorder is doing to you and the family. Give yourself space and forgive yourself because all of your emotional reactions are valid and are part of being human. It is important to model being genuine with your feelings, and sharing them in an empathic manner helps disarm the shame that a lot of people feel when discussing mental health in general.
It's Not All About the Food
When talking with a family member struggling with an eating disorder, it is more than just the food. Yes, food is important, and having a nutritious meal is essential. But if you focus solely on the food, you miss the bigger picture. You or the family member likely has something greater going on that is showing itself through food. While it can be easy to get caught up in the desire to force yourself or the family member to follow specific food routines or rules, it is unsustainable.
The enforced regimen becomes the identity and will lead to more resentment down the road. When family meals or check-ins become solely “Did you eat? How much? Why didn't you finish? Are you following the plan?” the relationship becomes defined by the eating disorder, rather than by the family and person. The concern is understandable, and it doesn’t mean checking out, but a balance of autonomy and care is essential for long-term change.
2. Protect the Relationship, Not Just the Meal
When a family member is struggling with an eating disorder, families sometimes become so focused on managing the eating disorder that the other aspects that make a relationship become forgotten. It is important to continue engaging in activities together that have nothing to do with eating. Playing board games or finding an interactive art project for the family are examples of ways to connect beyond food. It is also important to give space to check in regarding school, work, hobbies, or interests in general. Giving space to what makes each family member human creates empathy and trust when the tough conversations or moments do arise. By not allowing the family to be defined by the eating disorder, you create a space for connection and care, which is essential in addressing the hurt eating disorders cause.
3. Communicate With Care
Once you have taken a step back and taken a breath, here are some ways you can engage.
Timing: Pick a time and place where the family feels most comfortable. If mealtimes are the most stressful part of the day, avoid bringing up your concern for the first time right in the middle of it, or the conversation will likely end in an argument or avoidance. Good times to pick are when there is plenty of time, people feel rested, are ready to listen, and in a comfortable space where everyone feels safe. Example spaces are in the park, TV room, bedroom, or outside.
Check in first: Talking about eating disorders is hard, and so making sure that people are in a good state of mind is an important step to take and gives a sense of autonomy where everyone’s voice is being heard early on.
Feelings and approach: Focus on the feelings and utilize “I” statements. When people feel attacked, they dig deeper into their beliefs or avoid the discussion to protect themselves rather than shifting actions or beliefs. Focusing on how the behavior impacts you helps disarm people’s defensiveness and shift the language from blame to empathy. Here is an example of an effective I statement. “I feel scared when I see you struggling to eat because I care about you and I'm worried about what you're experiencing.” Rather than “You aren't eating enough, and you're making everyone worried.”
Validate, not fix: It can be really easy to get caught up in wanting to solve the issue at hand. When families dive right into problem-solving, they often miss where the hurt is coming from. Additionally, the cycle of conflict worsens when the family focuses solely on the problem without building trust first. To help build trust, ask questions about what the family member is experiencing and validate their feelings. Validation means you hear where the person is coming from and that their feelings make sense from their perspective. It does not mean you agree with the person. You can validate your family member's feelings while disagreeing with the perspective. Validating shows the family member that you are truly listening. Also, when you repeat back what you heard, it gives the family member space to correct and go deeper.
4. Create Stability Around Mealtimes
With mealtimes being such a stressful moment, helping create stability can alleviate anxiety and increase tolerance for discomfort. One way to alleviate anxiety before a meal is through grounding exercises. Examples include going on a family walk or using cold water to regulate the nerves and settle the stomach before mealtime.
It is also okay to have healthy distractions going on during the meal! Not every meal needs to be solely focused on the conversation; playing a game, having a fidget on hand, or having music in the background are healthy ways to make a meal slightly easier. Be intentional with the meals before, during, and after. Avoiding body talk and simply being present helps challenge the fear that meals are something to be feared. Most important though, take care of yourself. It is easy to get caught up in the needs of the family member struggling with the eating disorder that you forget to take care of yourself. Your preferences and feelings matter too.
5. Get professional help
You and your family do not have to face it all alone. It is okay to ask a professional for help. A professional can connect the family to additional resources and support develop strategies so the family can recover while maintaining relationships. Since the eating disorder is more than just the food, having a professional who can help explore and work through the feelings is essential. A therapist can help the family identify ruptures that are getting in the way of feeling connected and the ruptures that are fueling the eating disorder.
By identifying patterns and memories of hurt, the professional can guide the family to engage with one another and better understand one another. Even if the family member is not yet ready to address the eating disorder, it is still okay to reach out for support to help support yourself.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. As previously stated, eating disorders are complicated and impact more than just the person struggling with the eating disorder. It is okay to take space. There is more going on than just the food. Be honest about one's feelings while sharing with empathy. And consistency among family members, while receiving professional help, can change the cycle of conflict and support the family in feeling connected and heard.
Eating disorders can affect the entire family, but support is available. If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, therapy can provide a safe space to better understand what is happening, rebuild connection, and develop healthier ways of communicating and coping. Reach out to Monarch Wellness & Psychotherapy to learn more about available support and schedule a consultation.
