3/4/26 | By: Eleanor “Ellie” Young

During my time interning at The Renfrew Center, despite how heavy some of our conversations could be, it became a running joke that my favorite topic to discuss in group was grief. Everyone would laugh (or groan) and roll their eyes at me because I was constantly bringing it up in conversation. I couldn’t help it though! Grief is everywhere. I truly believe that labeling and exploring the ways that it shows up in eating disorder recovery led to some of the most meaningful conversations that we had together as a group.

The Many Faces of Grief

Grief touches our lives in a multitude of ways, both predictably and unpredictably. When most people think of grief, they think about death. While it’s true that the loss of a loved one is one of the few grief experiences that is virtually universal, there are so many other ways to experience grief. Grief can be broadly viewed as the emotional turmoil that results from a major change accompanied by loss. This could look like the loss of a relationship through a break up/divorce, the loss of stability via unemployment, or even the loss of safety and predictability that results from a worldwide pandemic.

The “Stages” of Grief vs The Cycle of Grief

If you are familiar with the concept of grief, you have probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When I talk about grief with my clients, I tend to use the term “stages” loosely. This is because, like many of life’s experiences, the grief experience is not linear. While some people might move through the stages of grief in the order that they are identified, this is not true for most people.

Rather than looking at grief as a one-way trip from point A (denial) to point E (acceptance), I like to think of grief as a meandering stroll along a very windy road. For example, rather than moving through the stages consecutively from anger to denial, maybe my grief journey starts at anger, moves to bargaining, takes a detour back towards denial, then brings me all the way back to depression, and so on and so forth. We might even stop over at acceptance before returning to one of the earlier stages.

One of my friends once told me that, “grief is like a suitcase… it may get lighter over time, but you never put it down”. I like this visualization because I think it helps to reflect the ways that grief can sneak back up on us even once we’ve reached the acceptance stage. There are many different reasons that we might find ourselves thrust back into the cycle of grief. Anything from an anniversary of the loss to life event that reminds you of what you’ve lost can send us right back to the earlier stages of grief. The suitcase metaphor also reminds us that, contrary to popular belief, grief is not something that you can just “get over”.

Grieving While in Eating Disorder Recovery

With the rest of this blog post, I want to explore the ways that grief shows up in relation to eating disorders, especially on the path to recovery. If we consider grief as a change plus loss, there are many changes and losses that can come up while recovering from an eating disorder. Grief can show up in many ways throughout the recovery process. Some of these relate to the loss of the eating disorder itself, coping mechanisms, body changes, relationships, and letting go of what never was.

Losing Your Eating Disorder

While it may seem strange to some people that there is grief associated with losing an eating disorder, it is actually one of the most common grief experiences that come up in recovery. Eating disorders can be extremely isolating and secretive. Many clients describe their eating disorder as a sort of “friend” that knows them better than anyone else. Therefore, getting rid of their eating disorder brings with it the same emotions that losing a close friend would.This also puts a new perspective on having to wake up every day and choose recovery.

Discovering New Ways to Cope

Another aspect of eating disorders that is not talked about enough is the protective function that the eating disorder serves. Eating disorder behaviors are often driven by emotions, or rather an avoidance of emotions. For example, someone who restricts their food intake may be using this behavior as a form of control to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions. Another example can be seen in clients who describe binging as a way to “numb out” or avoid feeling their emotions all together. When you choose recovery, you are also forcing yourself to leave these protective coping mechanisms behind which can feel incredibly scary as it brings with it a loss of safety, comfort, and control.

Body Changes

Yet another topic that comes up frequently when recovering from an eating disorder is the relationship between yourself, food, and your body. Eating disorders are often associated with safety and comfort. In choosing to leave the eating disorder behind, there can be an overwhelming feeling of loss. This loss, coupled with the body changes that frequently come along with recovery, can lead to confusing and complicated feelings. We call that grief.

Changing Relationships

When exploring the impacts of grief, it is also important to recognize what are called secondary losses. Secondary losses are the losses that often occur as a result of the initial loss or change. A big example of this with eating disorders can be seen in the way that relationships need to change in order to promote recovery. This change can come in the form of setting boundaries, challenging behavioral patterns, and even walking away from relationships that no longer serve you.

Grieving What You Wish You Had

Finally, there is the grief that comes along with losing out on the life that you wish you could have. I have often heard clients share feelings of frustration that other people don’t have to think about food or exercise in the same way that they do. There can also be resentment over the way that their body changes in response to consistent nourishment compared to other people. For some people, there may also be resentment over having to let go of the perfect self that the eating disorder was trying to achieve. These are all very real experiences of grief.

Is All This Grief Worth It?

Yes! On the other side of the loss, mourning and pain is the exhilarating freedom, profound connection, and palpable joy of recovery.

There are so many reasons to choose recovery!

Learning to love yourself, just as you are because you are worth it!
Learning to show yourself kindness and compassion because you deserve it!
Enjoying a long, fulfilling life with the energy to pour into things that bring you joy

Grief & Eating Disorders