Resources for Un-learning: Moving Beyond the Beauty Standard
11/26/25 | By: Taylor Rapuano
I regularly work with people who are unhappy with what they see in the mirror. They aren’t thin enough, they aren’t young enough, their skin isn’t clear enough or white enough. Whatever the defect, they simply don’t measure up to the idealized image in their mind of what someone is supposed to look like—what a “beautiful” person looks like.
Realize it or not, you likely already know the image they have in mind. I know I certainly do. It’s called the beauty standard, the beauty ideal. And it’s been constructed and communicated for decades—centuries in some ways—in a litany of movies, TV shows, advertisements, magazines, books, and an infinite stream of social media content. The standard has been inculcated to us as well, over years, across fashion runways, in beauty pageants and dating apps, and a powerful mixture of subtle (and not-so-subtle) relationship dynamics, diet culture, politics, the medical system, the school system. To mix metaphors: it’s the air we breathe, the ocean we swim in.
To be clear, the beauty standard is unattainable. And that’s the point.
As Renee Engeln, author of Beauty Sick, explains, “You must remember that the media-promoted beauty ideal for women is unattainable by design”. This is especially true, and more deliberate and pervasive, when it comes to the standard of beauty conveyed in marketing and advertisements. This is how products are sold. The purpose of our clothing and cosmetic ads—and many an influencer's sponsored posts about some collagen supplement—is generally not to make you feel good about yourself. The goal is to make you feel like you are lacking in something, not good enough. The experience that this content is designed to evoke in us can be overt or more subtle, but its core message is that you need to change, and that you need something to make that change.
The something, of course, is what they’re selling. And your insecurity is their profit. In Engeln’s telling, the architects of that profit model—advertisers—“need you to feel yourself falling short of the ideal, because then you’ll consider buying a product in an attempt to move yourself closer to it.”
When these types of messages about appearance surround us, it’s natural that we would feel pressured to pick ourselves apart—to assess and monitor our appearance for flaws and “problem areas”. This makes sense. And it can take an enormous toll on how a person feels about—and treats—themselves. That self-criticism—the contradiction or space between the ideal and the perceived reality—can take up tremendous space in your mind and life, no matter your age, identity, relationship status, or a myriad of other factors that make us who we are. The more space it occupies, the less time and energy we have to think about, care about, and do the things we truly choose to find meaning in—as opposed to what we’ve been told to care about.
We must question and challenge this standard—and the constant assessment of our appearance it evokes in us. How? In short, imperfectly and with a fair amount of struggle and relearning. So much of the ideal has been ingrained in us, again, often over years or decades, that “unlearning” its facets and messages is anything but easy—and a process, not an event.
For most of us (myself included), that process is a daily task; an exercise in self-care and individual courage that, while sometimes really hard, is just as much about breaking down that ideal in solidarity with others—bit by bit—for our friends and family as well as future generations. If we do that work well over time, in its place we’ll find something that was there the whole time: the innate beauty each one of us has in simply being ourselves—our value simply in being.
If that sounds like something you want to learn more about, I’ve gathered a selection of awesome books, articles, and other resources that can help with that process.
1. Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women, is an indispensable guide to critiquing beauty culture for all of us. I highly recommend it.
2. Poet and activist Sonya Renee Taylor's The Body is Not an Apology is another must-read for anyone looking to learn more (and help change) the beauty ideal and the numerous, long-standing systems of oppression and manipulation that gave rise to it. Taylor shows us the enduring answer to the shame and distorted relationship to our own bodies so many of us have: radical self-love.
3. More than a Body is a vital tour-de-force by sisters and body image experts Drs. Lindsay and Lexie Kite.
4. I also can’t say enough good things about Tressie McMillan Cottom’s seminal collection of essays, Thick. Start with “In the Name of Beauty”—you won’t be disappointed.
5. I’m also a huge fan of Jessica Defino’s work. She’s long been (and continues to be) a crucial guide to critiquing the beauty standard, beauty culture as a whole, and related issues. Check out her Substack.
6. Don’t forget to check out this great list of reads on body image issues specifically, put together by my colleague Carissa Hannum.
Reach Out
If you’re considering professional support, we’re here to help. Please reach out to schedule a free, no-commitment consultation. There’s no fee and no obligation—just click the button below to get started.
You can also call or text us at 202-656-3681, or email us directly. Give yourself the opportunity for the support you deserve.