Grief
12/11/25 | By: Mary Blair Holden
My father once told me “death is cosmic, its universal, but its immensely personal” and that has stayed with me ever since and is an important perspective in my grief counseling work. Grief and Bereavement are part of the human experience.
Exploring Grief Theories
While grief is unique to each individual, some find it helpful to follow a road map of a grief theory. The grief theory that most people know is that of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief. What’s important to know about this popular theory is that it was created to describe and guide individuals through a terminal illness, and not for those who were experiencing bereavement after the death of a loved one.
The Grief theory that I find most easily applicable is J William Worden’s theory, including his 4 tasks of grief. Worden acknowledged that grief is personal and not linear. His tasks of grieving can be worked on in tandem, out of order, and tasks can be revisited. His four tasks include:
Task 1- accept the reality of the loss
Task 2- experience the pain of grief
Task 3- adjust to a world without the deceased
Task 4- find an enduring connection with the deceased and embark on a new life
Navigating Holidays and Grief
Whether your grief is fresh or you have some distance, the winter holiday season is often a time when grief sneaks up on us, leading to grief tasks to be revisited. For those who have lost loved ones whom they had positive relationships, the holidays remind us of the wonderful memories we have shared, and the immense void they have left behind. For those who lost someone who they had a complicated or painful relationship with, the holidays can be a reminder of what was lost or missing long before the individual’s death; a reminder of what we never received from someone.
Task 1: Accepting the reality of the loss
Practicing rituals like funerals are beneficial after a death to solidify the reality, however it’s not uncommon to forget for a split second that they have passed. You might find yourself thinking “oh I need to call them and tell them ___” only to remember the reality. This experience might happen at the holidays especially if you’ve lost someone you don’t see daily but traditionally spend the holidays with. You also might find yourself wanting to pretend that nothing has changed. It’s important to acknowledge the reality of the loss in order to honor and validate your experience.
Task 2: experience the pain of grief
The holidays bring up heightened senses with familiar smells, decorations, songs, etc. All of which can bring back both joyful and painful memories. When possible, feel your emotions in the moment, allowing the emotions to rise and fall. If needed, set aside time to reflect on and process your loss.
Task 3: Adjusting to a world without the deceased
Adjusting to a world without the deceased can be both external/logistical and more internal/identity based. At the holidays this might come up in simple ways like re-establishing who does holiday shopping, orders the holiday cards or cuts the turkey. Internally adjusting to a world without a loved one might bring up questions about one’s spirituality and faith which could be especially complicated by celebrating a spiritual holiday.
Task 4: Find an enduring bond with the deceased
Worden’s final task is one of the reasons I appreciate his grief theory most, he acknowledges that our relationship with someone does not end at death but that we can continue an enduring bond. This holiday season I encouraged you to make space to honor your loved one in whatever way you feel ready to do. This could look like: watching a shared favorite movie, baking a special treat, looking at family photo albums, or something uniquely special to you.
Finding Support
Unfortunately, grief and bereavement are still seen as uncomfortable topics to discuss in American culture. Responses from support people who deeply care about you might still be unhelpful. You might hear phrases like: they are in a better place, think of all the positive times you had together, or people might brush by the topic quickly or all together. The fact of the matter is, grief can’t be fixed, it must be felt. These responses have more to do with the other person’s discomfort sitting in your grief then it does your response to grief.
Even though grief is normal and necessary part of life, having additional support through individual or group therapy can be helpful especially if you find yourself having a difficult time processing your grief or your grief response is impacting your daily functioning.
If you feel you would benefit from individual grief counseling please reach out to us by clicking the button below.